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Monday, October 4, 2010

OK I cheated......and now I am paying for it !!!!

I tell myself..I could not help my self.  I tell my self I deserve it.  I have been soo good and the stress just go to be too much for me.  I tell myself it is only one little piece.  As my daughter  looked at me and said, "you are not supposed to be eating that!"  And Becca, who sees my pain and delama,  says, "She can have one piece!"  I tell myself  I deserve it after all I have gone through...loosing mom, missing Brandon...stress about bills.  But what it comes right down to is...was it worth it?? WE were at the Hub (the girls youth group building and they were auditioning.  I was nervous about that and I was sooo hungry.  We had had breakfast- but it was closing in on two and we went right from Church, to a birthday party show, to the audition.  As we left the show we were performing at they were serving food and it smelled so good.  When we got to the hub they had two sheet pizzas sitting on back table. I wanted a piece.  I told myself every excuse in the book and finally I snuck back there and ate a piece.  Usually I take a napkin and blot out the grease, not this time...I wanted to experience the whole thing. As the grease dripped off the pizza onto my hand I closed my eyes and took a bite.   I did take a middle piece to justify that I am not getting as much bread...but  I ate it quickly because I felt guilty about eating it and did not want anyone else to see me. (not that they would care) I did enjoy it...I have to admit.  But was it worth it. About an hour later, my stomach started to hurt, I had diarrhea and was feeling very queezy.  I had to take a prilosac and a pain pill thinking it would calm me down.  I was not able to sleep because my stomach was hurting so bad...what a bother.  No I decided it definatly was not worth it.  am going to make this life style change and stick to it...or else.  I know I can achieve the goal I want if I am faithful.  I just am so sad right now.  I walk around my house and cry about loosing my mom, cry about Brandon leaving me for college, cry because I cant find anything...I just cry all the time.  Please pray for Dave and I. I know we will get through this all...but I want to do it without turning to food as my comfort.  I need to turn to God and my family and friends.  I need to just keep busy, so I don't have time to think about all of this.  Church was so good this Sunday...he is beginning a series about getting closer to God.  He said no matter where you are in your walk with God...you can improve and get closer.  He challenged each one of us to spend time each day with God and ask Him to make Himself even more real in our lives.  Pray that this is life changing for Dave and I .       

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