Tuesday, June 25, 2013

No Cancer!

I had to let all of you know what is going on with me since I wrote that post!They have done the biopsy and it is benign! (YEAH..NO CANCER!)  I feel like  a weight has been lifted off me. They did the biopsy Mon. Let me tell you "Don't listen to the doctor when they tell you the biopsy wont hurt..it is a lie!" Other then that it went well. They did the biopsy on Wed. We had to wait till Monday to find out results that was the longest four days of my life. Here is what I wrote to my family about it! Thank you for all your prayers, your love and your encouragement.. It has meant the world to me!

Hi it has been an exhausting day...Did two shows and then went to the doctor said it was not cancerous and it is not a cyst. It is a large mass about the size of a silver dollar. After explaining it all to me I asked him how it could have happened. I told him how about a month ago I had a huge bruise that I did not remember getting. I asked if it could have been from that. He said it would not be as large as this from that. He asked if I had been in an accident. I told him over a year ago. When I explained what had happened in the accident he seemed to think it was from that. He believes it was traumatized and has scar tissue he asked if I was the driver or the passenger and when I told him I was the passenger he said well that is right where the seat belt would fall. I said why after all this time would it just show up...He then asked me questions. I realized that it was a month ago that my head started to clear from the concussion. He said the concussion was blocking me from feeling the pain of it. (and all the pain meds I was on) It all makes sense I guess. When I asked him where we go from here this is our plan of action.
1. Try to cut down on estrovan as that can lead to breast cancer especially when I already have a lump
2. Take motrim and wean off from Naproxin as that is a blood thinner
3. Take Vitamin E and rosemary to promote healing
4. He wants to monitor the size of the lump every two months for the next two years.
5. If it continues to cause pain he recommends he take it out.
6. If I have any questions, concerns or anything changes I am to call him immediately.
He was very good with us. He spent over 45 min just talking to us...then did an ultra sound to check it. He broke up some of the mass when he did the biopsy...so it did look different then Wed.before biopsy. It has not decreased in size though
It was a very long day. I did not sleep last night at all finally fell asleep at 5 am. I got up at 8 left for show by 9:15. The shows were from 10-11 and 11-12 Doctors appointment was at 1 that lasted till almost 3...we grabbed some lunch and came home. We were home by 5.
Sorry you could not reach me on the cell phone...we owe $150 and it got shut off. Should hopefully have it on in a week or so.
The kids stayed around for about 5 min when I got home and then said they had to go...which is fine...because I am now ready to crash. Part of me wants to go out with Dave and the other part wants to just stay home and crash I think I would rather wait till I can enjoy it more. He wants to do anything to make me smile. He has been amazing through all this and we are both sooo glad it is over.
Well, we have some answers now...and we will see what happens next. Right now I just want to sit down and take it all in and relax...
Thank you all for your prayers, your love and your encouragement. I don't think I could have made it through without knowing all of you were there praying for me.
Love you,

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Something I never thought would happen to me.. I found a lump.

I have my mammograms regularly.  Although I hate them, I know it is something that I should do, so I do it.  January came and I did my yearly mammogram. Everything came back perfect. I walked out with my carnation and a smile on my face.  I was done for another year.  No worries....I thought.
Last month I saw a bruise on my right breast. Although I did not remember hitting it, I thought I must have.  As I examined it I found a lump.  It was bigger then the size of a pea.  I called my OBGYN and scheduled an appointment.

As she checked me over her face became concerned.  She said I had a sizable lump that needed to be checked out immediately.  She called over to Southtowns Radiology and got me in within the nest two hours. As Dave and I grabbed lunch while we waited, neither of us could talk.  We  could not express the fear that was going through our mind.  All we could do is look at each other and hold hands. When something like this happens you immediately think the worse....cancer.  We had gone through cancer treatments with Dave's mom and seen what that could do.  It was a cruel thing. At times we thought that the treatment was worse then the disease. It was hard enough watching someone you love being affected by it. It was terrifying thinking you may have to go through it.   It seemed tragedy had come in our lives again.

Things went quite fast once I got into the radiology.  The mammogram came first, then the ultrasound.  We were told that the mammogram came out fine but the ultra sound had a sizable mass.  They told me I needed to follow up with the specialist asap.  It was then that I became scared.  I knew I should call the specialist. I just couldn't I did not want to find out anymore bad news. If nothing is confirmed then it really is not real.   Also, it seemed the lump was going away. I began to feel like I did not need to call the specialist. I was fine. But, it continued to hurt...and I knew I had to make the call.

As Dave and I sat down with the specialist we listened to her words closely.  She told us that because it was a sizable mass she had to assume the worst....cancer. She then explained that it was her job to prove it wrong. As she did her exam she got a strange look on her face.  I told her I could not even feel it anymore and that I thought it was going away.  She wanted me to do another ultrasound to see if it in fact did get smaller.  As I waited in the waiting room for them to call me back into the doctors, my mind was racing. What if it really is cancer?  What would happen next? Don't forget the biggest question of all.."Why me? Haven't I had enough tragedy in my life? Can't I just have a simple life with no problems? Why do I have to keep going through tragedy after tragedy in my life?"  Why? Why? Why?"

They called me into the room to wait for the specialist to come back.  I asked them, "Can't I have my husband wait with me?".  They went out into the waiting room and asked Dave to come back.  We still could not say to much. Dave tried to cheer me up. His words, "It is probably nothing", "They said they did not think it was cancer!", "They said even if it was cancer you are at stage one and it is treatable.", did not seem to reach me. I was in a daze. As the doctor came back in he told us that the lump has not gone down in size.  He explained that it was a sizable lump and even if it came back benign it would still have to come out. He also wanted a biopsy done asap.  Two days later they scheduled for a biopsy... TODAY! Today they will put a needle in my breast and take pieces out to check for cancer.  That scares me to death. I want to curl up somewhere and go somewhere to just think. 
Last night I went to the gym for the first time in a long time.  I wanted to make my body work as hard as it could.  I don't know if I was trying to finally feel something after a week of not allowing myself to think or to feel or if I just needed to be in a place that brought me comfort.  It was a place that had changed my life. I needed to be there. I did all of my regular routine.  When I got to my "prayer chair" (the exercise that works on your stomach) I really did not want to go there...but I knew I had to.  I knew I needed to get this right with God. As I sat in that chair, that I have prayed for so many of my family in, I tried to pray for my family. I tried to avoid the problem facing me tomorrow.  I tried to talk about everything else.  But, I could not do that.  God would not let me. As I poured my heart out to my father God a verse, my life verse,  kept coming to my head. Finally,  had to stop and quote it. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.". Although I was not feeling very loved at that time. I know that God has this all under control. 

As I sit in front of the doctors Monday morning waiting to hear the outcome of my biopsy, I know that whatever happens God will get me through it. He has provided me with a wonderful network of family and friends that are there for me...you.  You have been through so many of the hardest times in my life. You have loved me unconditionally, supported me when I  was down, and encouraged me when I needed it.  Thank you.  I could not have made it through these hard times if it was not for your love. Please pray today as they do my biopsy.  If there is something there, pray that they will find it and we can deal with it. If it is benign, pray that  they can take care of it quickly so I don't have to live in pain. Please pray for my family as they go through this. Sometimes it is just as hard to be a husband watching your wife go through this as it is to be going through it yourself.  It is a hard time at the Jeffers' house.  Thank you, my friends, for your love and support! It is easier when you know you have a group of people who are lifting you up in prayer. No  matter what the outcome, I know that God is in control and will give me the strength to get through this.
Love you guys, and will keep you posted.

It breaks my heart to start over.....

Since the accident we have been steadily gaining weight.  Last night I went to the gym. While I was doing my mat work I looked in the mirror.  I saw and old "friend" in the mirror.  One I never wanted to see again. It was the fat  me.  I have not gained all of the weight back, but I have gained more then I ever imagined I would.  I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. I am wearing 18-20 pants and have added XL back in my wardrobe. I think that is why I have been reluctant to post here. I did not want you, the readers, to see that I failed. 
I have been reading through my blog. I have been getting ready to publish it into a book.  As I read those pages and remembered our successes and our failures, something happened inside me. I started to panic. I started to see me as I really am.  I am fat again.  Where I never wanted to be.
We can blame it on life. We can blame it on the accident. We can blame it on our health. But ultimatly we need to look in the mirror and say, we have not kept up our part of the bargain. This morning I looked at our stats for people reading our blog.  Do you realize that almost 10,000 people have read our blog.  Just this last month almost 150  people have read it.  That broke my heart. For the first time in a long time I realize the obligation I have to you.  You have become my friends.  You have cheered me in through all of sad times, happy times, and times I felt I could not go on.  You have been there for me, in more ways than you have ever known.
Thank you for your support. I thought no one even cared, but you were always there.  I just had forgotten you my old friends.  I am sorry.  I feel so bad. I am finally ready to pick up the pieces and start again. We are back on our food plan and back at the gym. I will let you know our progress.  I would love to hear from you. If you could leave a comment that would be awesome!  Hopefully it will come off easier this time because our body sooo wants to be where it was before.  We are just going to start over as if it was the first time.
Dave's starting weight: 348
Kathleen's starting weight 248