Wednesday, June 19, 2013

It breaks my heart to start over.....

Since the accident we have been steadily gaining weight.  Last night I went to the gym. While I was doing my mat work I looked in the mirror.  I saw and old "friend" in the mirror.  One I never wanted to see again. It was the fat  me.  I have not gained all of the weight back, but I have gained more then I ever imagined I would.  I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. I am wearing 18-20 pants and have added XL back in my wardrobe. I think that is why I have been reluctant to post here. I did not want you, the readers, to see that I failed. 
I have been reading through my blog. I have been getting ready to publish it into a book.  As I read those pages and remembered our successes and our failures, something happened inside me. I started to panic. I started to see me as I really am.  I am fat again.  Where I never wanted to be.
We can blame it on life. We can blame it on the accident. We can blame it on our health. But ultimatly we need to look in the mirror and say, we have not kept up our part of the bargain. This morning I looked at our stats for people reading our blog.  Do you realize that almost 10,000 people have read our blog.  Just this last month almost 150  people have read it.  That broke my heart. For the first time in a long time I realize the obligation I have to you.  You have become my friends.  You have cheered me in through all of sad times, happy times, and times I felt I could not go on.  You have been there for me, in more ways than you have ever known.
Thank you for your support. I thought no one even cared, but you were always there.  I just had forgotten you my old friends.  I am sorry.  I feel so bad. I am finally ready to pick up the pieces and start again. We are back on our food plan and back at the gym. I will let you know our progress.  I would love to hear from you. If you could leave a comment that would be awesome!  Hopefully it will come off easier this time because our body sooo wants to be where it was before.  We are just going to start over as if it was the first time.
Dave's starting weight: 348
Kathleen's starting weight 248


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