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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Something I never thought would happen to me.. I found a lump.

I have my mammograms regularly.  Although I hate them, I know it is something that I should do, so I do it.  January came and I did my yearly mammogram. Everything came back perfect. I walked out with my carnation and a smile on my face.  I was done for another year.  No worries....I thought.
Last month I saw a bruise on my right breast. Although I did not remember hitting it, I thought I must have.  As I examined it I found a lump.  It was bigger then the size of a pea.  I called my OBGYN and scheduled an appointment.

As she checked me over her face became concerned.  She said I had a sizable lump that needed to be checked out immediately.  She called over to Southtowns Radiology and got me in within the nest two hours. As Dave and I grabbed lunch while we waited, neither of us could talk.  We  could not express the fear that was going through our mind.  All we could do is look at each other and hold hands. When something like this happens you immediately think the worse....cancer.  We had gone through cancer treatments with Dave's mom and seen what that could do.  It was a cruel thing. At times we thought that the treatment was worse then the disease. It was hard enough watching someone you love being affected by it. It was terrifying thinking you may have to go through it.   It seemed tragedy had come in our lives again.

Things went quite fast once I got into the radiology.  The mammogram came first, then the ultrasound.  We were told that the mammogram came out fine but the ultra sound had a sizable mass.  They told me I needed to follow up with the specialist asap.  It was then that I became scared.  I knew I should call the specialist. I just couldn't I did not want to find out anymore bad news. If nothing is confirmed then it really is not real.   Also, it seemed the lump was going away. I began to feel like I did not need to call the specialist. I was fine. But, it continued to hurt...and I knew I had to make the call.

As Dave and I sat down with the specialist we listened to her words closely.  She told us that because it was a sizable mass she had to assume the worst....cancer. She then explained that it was her job to prove it wrong. As she did her exam she got a strange look on her face.  I told her I could not even feel it anymore and that I thought it was going away.  She wanted me to do another ultrasound to see if it in fact did get smaller.  As I waited in the waiting room for them to call me back into the doctors, my mind was racing. What if it really is cancer?  What would happen next? Don't forget the biggest question of all.."Why me? Haven't I had enough tragedy in my life? Can't I just have a simple life with no problems? Why do I have to keep going through tragedy after tragedy in my life?"  Why? Why? Why?"

They called me into the room to wait for the specialist to come back.  I asked them, "Can't I have my husband wait with me?".  They went out into the waiting room and asked Dave to come back.  We still could not say to much. Dave tried to cheer me up. His words, "It is probably nothing", "They said they did not think it was cancer!", "They said even if it was cancer you are at stage one and it is treatable.", did not seem to reach me. I was in a daze. As the doctor came back in he told us that the lump has not gone down in size.  He explained that it was a sizable lump and even if it came back benign it would still have to come out. He also wanted a biopsy done asap.  Two days later they scheduled for a biopsy... TODAY! Today they will put a needle in my breast and take pieces out to check for cancer.  That scares me to death. I want to curl up somewhere and go somewhere to just think. 
Last night I went to the gym for the first time in a long time.  I wanted to make my body work as hard as it could.  I don't know if I was trying to finally feel something after a week of not allowing myself to think or to feel or if I just needed to be in a place that brought me comfort.  It was a place that had changed my life. I needed to be there. I did all of my regular routine.  When I got to my "prayer chair" (the exercise that works on your stomach) I really did not want to go there...but I knew I had to.  I knew I needed to get this right with God. As I sat in that chair, that I have prayed for so many of my family in, I tried to pray for my family. I tried to avoid the problem facing me tomorrow.  I tried to talk about everything else.  But, I could not do that.  God would not let me. As I poured my heart out to my father God a verse, my life verse,  kept coming to my head. Finally,  had to stop and quote it. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.". Although I was not feeling very loved at that time. I know that God has this all under control. 

As I sit in front of the doctors Monday morning waiting to hear the outcome of my biopsy, I know that whatever happens God will get me through it. He has provided me with a wonderful network of family and friends that are there for me...you.  You have been through so many of the hardest times in my life. You have loved me unconditionally, supported me when I  was down, and encouraged me when I needed it.  Thank you.  I could not have made it through these hard times if it was not for your love. Please pray today as they do my biopsy.  If there is something there, pray that they will find it and we can deal with it. If it is benign, pray that  they can take care of it quickly so I don't have to live in pain. Please pray for my family as they go through this. Sometimes it is just as hard to be a husband watching your wife go through this as it is to be going through it yourself.  It is a hard time at the Jeffers' house.  Thank you, my friends, for your love and support! It is easier when you know you have a group of people who are lifting you up in prayer. No  matter what the outcome, I know that God is in control and will give me the strength to get through this.
Love you guys, and will keep you posted.
Kathleen

1 comment:

  1. Hugs and prayers roomy...May God give you a peace that 'passes all understanding'...and remember, it is normal and okay for you to go through those doubts of anguish and hurt...Love this verse Romans 8:26: "Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered."

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