Thursday, November 25, 2010

Why did this Thanksgiving have to be soo hard????

                               Why Did This Thanksgiving have to be so Hard?

Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful...and I do have so much to be thankful for.  I have a loving family. a beautiful house, friends I can count on...but today my heart feels so heavy.  We decided as long as the family was together we would go through the house and each person could claim what they want as we get the house ready for sale.  Sounds easy right...NO! Paul set himself up as an auctioneer and we quickly moved from room to room.   For three days we sorted through thing, read love letter that my dad had written to mom when they were first married, found letters and cards that we had written, school projects, and special memories that mom had tucked away for each one of us.  It was amazing what she saved...letters of me apologizing for being such a rebellious teen, locks of hair (carefully labeled for each of us), drawings from grade school, and  clippings from newspapers (whenever we were in them).  She saved so many special things that we had forgotten.  Each box was like a treasure chest...with some sort of memory for someone.  At first it was fun, even a little exciting, but when the tiredness settled in and the reality that mom's house will never ever be the same again after this weekend, my heart began to hurt.  She would have loved to be a part of this day!  She would have loved having 20 people visiting her, fixing the meal and enjoying one another.  As they moved to the kitchen and held up each thing that soo reminded me of memories with mom. She would cut up fruit and make it fancy by putting it on her fancy dishes just to make my kids feel special. She always had a cake made in her bunt cake pan and put it on her fancy cake holder when she knew we were coming. She would get out her fancy wine glasses and sit with my kids and drink milk out of them to make them feel special. We would have tea and just sit and talk. using the special tea pot I got her. Then I saw the fancy Christmas dishes, the little nick knacks that my kids have gotten her and so many other  memories came flooding in. As I looked around the room it hit me...I am loosing people once again. I really do not believe there will ever be a time when the whole family will be in that house together again.  After this weekend there will be no reason to...(and no beds for them!)  Everyone started emptying things into their cars and pulling away... and I felt like I was loosing my family once again. See, they all have a home and a life to go back to...my life revolved around mom and her house for the past 5 years.  I know we will talk and see my brothers and sisters sometime...but who is to say where or when or if ever again. I just know that it will not be at that house again.  I feel like I did when I lost mom.  My heart feels so heavy, like it is breaking and I don't know what to do.  I know it is a fact of life and that life goes on, but I feel so lost right now.  I used to love to just go into mom's house and sit on her bed and be surrounded by her things.  They are all gone now. My heart is as empty as the house I grew up in. Am I thankful this thanksgiving.? Yes, I am thankful that I had such wonderful parents that brought us up to love the Lord.  I am thankful that I grew up in the house my daddy built and never had to move from place to place. I am thankful that my parents instilled in each of us a desire to do what is right.  That we could go through the house and divide things up with no fighting and no hard feelings.  I am thankful that I have three wonderful brothers and three wonderful sisters that love me unconditionally.  I am thankful that I know that my parents are up in heaven in God's glory. That is what is keeping me going.  I know mom is no longer struggling for breath, or hurting, she is dancing and singing in God's presence.  As this Thanksgiving day comes to a close...if you have not told your mom or dad how special they are, how much you love them, and how thankful you are for them....take the time to do that.  I would love to be able to look in my mom's eyes and tell her " I love you" one last time.  You have a precious gift from God...that is priceless...

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful Kathleen. Absolutely beautiful.